The second half of our life starts when we stop glorifying our efforts to become “someone” and find permission to ride the waves of life as the people we are.
In my last House Call essay, I shared my history of trying—the push not for excellence but for validation and “goodness” through self-defined, outward-facing indicators of success. I wanted to dig deeper into how we blur the line between validation and self-expression—specifically in our homes. The two sit so close to one another that it can be imperceptible to tell the difference until we feel the guilt of discontentment when we should be feeling proud of what we achieved. Many of us repeat this cycle until something breaks, and then we look for a new way to move through the world.
So, how do we know when trying less will bring us closer to what we seek?
As I’ve become a curious witness to my habit of overcompensating, a clearer picture of myself has emerged. It wasn’t that I had to give up trying for the career and life I wanted. Rather, I needed to give up trying to be someone I wasn’t. When we witness ourselves overcompensating through effort and pressure, we create space between ourselves and what we seek—and they are not the same. Our efforts can either alchemize into growth or keep our true selves hidden beneath a mask of achievement.
Two sides of the same coin with very different outcomes.
Moving Through the Waves of Life
The fear of being unworthy emerged when I started to question the motives behind so much of my striving. I believed trying would shield me from waves of inner shame—that if I just tried hard enough, I could stop the next wave from pummeling me.
But the waves don’t ever stop. Even as I heal my relationship with myself, life will not protect me from truths and emotions I’d rather outrun. We cannot stop time. We are mortal beings with finite energy and resources. We think we can control the waves of life when really, all we can do is learn to move through them.
In the end, we all face this reckoning. I think it’s at the heart of what a mid-life crisis really is. We cannot be everything we dreamt we could be, no matter how much energy we expend. No matter how much we cram into a day, we cannot find more time. In the end, we’re going to have to ride these waves. The second half of our life starts when we stop glorifying our efforts to become someone and find permission to ride the waves of life as the people we are.
Today, I want to discuss the sneaky ways we use excessive effort to outrun ourselves, and why this drive shouldn’t be relinquished or vilified but refocused and directed for a more compassionate relationship with ourselves and others.
How Trying to Do It All Impacts 5 Areas of Our Lives
1. Home Care
How we feel about our home’s “state” can be such a glaring representation of how we’re doing inside.
All my life, I’ve chased the goalpost of a clean and tidy home, maintaining the mindset that I’ll feel something different when everything is perfectly in place. As someone who naturally operates as a tornado, I still could not bring myself to accept it as fact. Sure, I’d poke fun at myself, but secretly I believed I could completely rid myself of this trait through sheer will. I was never going to win that game. As I kept trying to become an “organized” person, I began to see that not only was the goalpost always moving, I couldn’t even define what “organized” actually looked like! It was a neverending bid to avoid who I am: someone with a fast brain and a tendency toward mess.
When we are at war with our bodies, brain chemistries, and existing baselines, we cannot give ourselves the gift of compassionate acceptance.
Accepting my state of perpetual chaos is an ongoing process. I’ve noticed lately that I am the only one in my house complaining when it’s not put together. I’ve been able to witness Joe so much more clearly lately when this happens. I witness him seeing the mess and seeing me have my feelings about the mess. I see him as he agrees something must be done without internalizing it to mean anything about himself. He’s moving at the pace he feels he can right now.
This enraged me for all sorts of reasons (hello, patriarchal assumptions about “messy” women) until I realized this compassion was also available to me if I could let go of my tendency to try so hard to be the person I am not. I can get angry about the double standards and the weight women carry, but I can’t wait for these internalized messages to cease to exist before I give myself permission to reject that stereotype for myself.
2. Home Decor
I became home decor-obsessed when I was in my teens. I couldn’t wait to strike out on my own and make my home exactly what I wanted it to be. It’s a wonderful thing, to delight in the expression of self in our environments. But when we’re still learning who we are, and maybe we don’t like who is reflected back to us, the home becomes a way of building a mask or persona to thwart potential rejection.