3 Things I'd Like to See Change in the Community of Home Decorators

Make room for being human at home.

Apr 26, 2024

∙ Paid

It may seem like a stretch to think that how we decorate our homes could have such an impact on the relationship we have with ourselves and others. But it’s there and it’s strong and as a creator in this space, I think there are some changes we can make that will usher in an entirely new way of creating a home life.

I remember finding The Selby in the early days of the blogging boom. It burst through the staged lifestyle blogs with knife-like precision. To me, The Selby was the visual equivalent of having a deep and meaningful conversation with an intriguing stranger. I felt that just by looking at their spaces, you knew them. It was the kind of unbridled self-expression through the home that didn’t prompt comparison, and it made me question everything I believed the home could be. They had found a trap door away from the standard I held for myself.

I was in my late twenties at the time and I wanted to both stand out and fit in. I’d stretch myself in these two opposing directions, toeing the line of each, experimenting with what I could get away with while offending the least amount of people in the process. Deep down, I believed that being so unapologetically me—messy and rushed and clumsy and mismatched and flighty—was a recipe for social ostracization. What felt so aspirational to me about The Selby was how many of its features embraced mess and chaos. In my mind, these traits were not only the nature of the creative process but an essential part of humanity that most publications scrubbed from view.

When Curation Dims Our Humanness

For the decade and a half I have added content to this brand, I have opted to control which parts of me spill over into other areas of my life. I masked the messy parts I accepted under the veil of “having it all figured out” and hid from the messiness that shamed me. Hiding from these parts of me required effort, and slowly it choked my creativity, my love for caring for my home, and even my trust in this community.

As my drive slowed and my ability to keep up with the content machine waned, I realized my true role—what I hope to be for anyone who will listen—is a mirror for what happens when real life mingles with the ever-evolving expression of home.

I've been talking for years about designing a life well lived, but I know now I only scratching the surface for most of that time. At the heart of it, I wasn’t ready to fully embrace what that call to action meant. And as this new decade has unfolded and you can’t swing a laptop without offending someone, I’ve at times been unsure I have anything helpful to say. But I think we’re finding ourselves at a fork in the road. We desperately need connection, but we can’t truly connect if we cannot be ourselves, even within the comforts of our own homes. We have to make space to confront our humanness, as people who will get it wrong at times and show up imperfectly. It seems the risks for doing so have never been higher, while the need is greater than ever.

I’ve been reassessing my life in a lot of ways, especially when it comes to how I contribute to this corner of the internet. It may seem like a stretch to think that how we decorate our homes could have such an impact on the relationship we have with ourselves and others. But it’s there and it’s strong and as a creator in this space, I think there are some changes we can make that will usher in an entirely new way of creating a home life.

But before we can get to the good stuff—the transformations made when creativity and self-awareness are hand in hand—we have to reframe why the home matters to us in the first place. We have to get in touch with the why behind the pursuit. We have to be honest with ourselves about the role creative projects in the home can play in expressing (or suppressing) our humanity in the spaces we need it most.

Home Projects and Double-Edged Swords

When I stopped churning out home decor content last year, I intentionally made more room for beauty in my life. Not the try-hard kind we feel we have to earn, but the kind that requires only a pause and appreciation—the kind that comes with noticing. This kind of beauty looks like birds landing on my bird feeder; the kids curled up in a chair chatting about school; movie nights on a sofa scattered with popcorn above a floor sprinkled with dirty socks and a pile of laundry yet to be folded.

Over the past year, I’ve stumbled into the realization that sometimes our pursuits and passion projects within the home can become a double-edged sword, one we’re mostly unaware of.

When we’re drawn to put time and effort into a creative pursuit, many of us start with the “wrong” goal in mind. We imagine the finished space, similar to the photos we’ve seen in a magazine or Instagram post. These photos are often effective in getting us motivated, which isn’t a bad thing! It’s natural to begin with what is tangible—the look or aesthetic. This goal is not inherently “wrong” if the result will satisfy and support the kind of life you want to be living. It is the “wrong” place to start if you assume you’ll be happier after the transformation.

So here is where I ask you to be honest: Have you ever reached the end of a long project where you put in a ton of sweat, grit, and effort… and felt it was anti-climatic, disappointing, or dare I say, not what you set out to accomplish?

And if you do not have the money or time to express yourself at home as you desire, the same double-edged sword wields itself simply through your wanting. What transformation are you wishing for on the other side of getting everything you want? I invite you to get curious about the other motivations behind your creative pursuits. Could your obsession with your “dated” kitchen be more about controlling how others see you than about the kitchen itself?

These questions can be painful to answer and often result in defensiveness. I get why we don’t want to face them or answer them. Because we believe we’re not supposed to feel insecure or bad about frivolous things. We’re supposed to be grateful.

Chasing the Illusions of Perfection and Control

For me, all of this manifested itself subconsciously. A part of me believed that when I made my home as perfect as I could, I’d find relief from whatever discontent lingered in my quiet moments. That’s why “rage cleaning” felt so damn good. Projects in the home provided the perfect opportunity to outrun what I couldn’t face. I’d “achieve” that feeling of control through quiet perfection with everything in its place—only to again feel out of control the next day. It was easier to take on more projects than face the underlying emotions driving me toward improvement. I even found a way to make it my job.

Even on my best days, I would open my phone and see 10,000 reasons I wasn’t hitting the mark.

Maybe this is how it manifests for you: You see someone's “finished room” and believe this means you cannot have a messy unfinished one. Then you go out and charge a bunch of stuff from Target on your credit card to “finish” a space before family comes to visit, only to find once the dust settles, you’re left with a bunch of junk that didn’t mean anything to you in the first place.

It’s a loop we get caught in, and we do this on top of the load we’re already carrying. We do it in spaces where we’re meant to be playful and creative. We deny ourselves what we need in an attempt to not feel inferior.

We can love to decorate our homes, but if we’re doing it to control how others see us, to not face the realities of what we need, we’re digging ourselves into prisons of comparison, judgment, and discontent. And, surprise! Pulling at these very shameful, very human emotions is an effective engagement driver in the online home decorating community.

Moving Beyond a Comparison Mindset

This comparison mindset is something I’m eager to see all of us face. When both the viewer and the content creator are aware of how consuming media warps their sense of worth, we can get out of this loop and back to an adaptive place—one where we connect over a shared love of beauty within the home, inspiring action and solutions that bring a more embodied and easeful life.

It can be hard to notice these patterns of consumption and comparison, but one place you can start is looking at the way you self-criticize. For me, the more insecure I felt, the more critical I became. I realize now I missed out on all of the adaptive ways I could have been using my creative passions when I was overly critical of myself and others, my choices, and the limited possibilities I thought were available to me. I would either play it small or not bother playing at all.

And that’s the thing. There’s so much opportunity to be who you are—in your life and your home. When we’re creating spaces and viewing home decor content knowing we’re already enough, we widen our perspectives. We can see not only the many blessings of our lives but also the infinite possibilities for creative expression. The projects that need to be done become the ones you can feasibly tackle. The mess in the kitchen becomes the result of being engaged with your family's life, rather than something to control every moment of the day. We become accepting of the messiness and, in turn, less rundown and overwhelmed as we restore a bit of order.

In short, when we give up bending our homes to be as frozen as a picture-perfect finished photo, we can begin to realize what we want to use this well of creativity to pursue in our spaces.