How I Broke the “Not Enough” Cycle
An Interview About Self-Compassion
I’m still a perfectionist. I’m still picky. But I can’t live my life the way I did before, and this practice has helped me learn to appreciate the parts of myself that I find most unlovable.
The voice that says your home is never quite good enough?
God, it’s exhausting.
And boring.
And rude!
The sneaky part? It’s the same voice that whispers you’re not doing enough. Not being enough. Not showing up enough. It’s all one voice. Wearing different little outfits.
There’s nothing wrong with having an eye (what a gift!) But when that gift gets tangled up with old expectations (other people’s, your own), it turns on you. High standards become the trap. The thing you care deeply about leaves you empty. Even after you’ve poured your whole heart into it.
You can’t renovate your way out of that.
The way we treat our homes mirrors the way we treat ourselves. If you’re constantly at war with your space (like, never satisfied, always fixing, perpetually disappointed) you’re probably running the same pattern inside. And here’s what I’ve learned, as someone who has been stuck here for years: a home doesn’t feel like home when the person inside it is running on criticism.
Getting Out of the Self-Criticism Loop
A few years ago, I was stuck in this pattern. I was aware of it, but had no clue how to move forward in life without the constant pressure of “not enough” driving me towards my goals. Without it, I feared I wouldn’t know who I was. So I had resigned; it was just who I was.
I reached out to
for compassion coaching because nothing I tried was working. I’d followed her for years but had no idea what compassion coaching actually meant. Working with Kristine changed everything. I’m not using hyperbole here. It turned my worldview on it’s head. Not because she taught me how to be nicer to myself (though that happened), but because self-compassion turned out to be the missing piece between the life I thought I should have and the one I actually needed. I started to see everything differently: my house, my marriage, my kids, my job, my future. It took a long, long time. And a lot of reps.Self-compassion is the bridge from constantly doing more to finally appreciating what already exists; from harsh self-criticism to something more sustainable. I’m still a perfectionist. I’m still picky. But I can’t live my life the way I did before, and this practice has helped me learn to appreciate the parts of myself that I find most unlovable.
I wanted to give you the foundation first. What does self-compassion actually look like, and how I came to understand its power. For that, I’m handing it over to Kristine, the person who introduced me to this practice. In a follow-up, I’ll share the specific ways this work has transformed how I experience my home.
A Q&A With Self-Compassion Coach, Kristine Claghorn
Kate: What is a self-compassion practice?
Kristine: What I love about self-compassion is that it really challenges the way most of us are taught how to treat ourselves when we’re going through a hard time. I think it’s one of the most valuable skills a person can develop.
Before I discovered it years ago, I really thought self-criticism was the only option. Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the care and concern you would offer a friend when going through something difficult (like the loss of a job, experiencing failure, making a mistake, etc). It means treating ourselves the opposite of how we normally treat ourselves when going through a hard time: with judgment, isolation, and rumination. The three components of self-compassion are:
Self-kindness
Common humanity
Mindfulness
Self-compassion includes self-kindness, which refers to treating ourselves with the care and understanding we would offer to someone we love. If you think about the last time you made a mistake, how did you talk to yourself? The answers I hear the most often when I ask this question are: with criticism, blame, and harsh judgment. Now, if you think of a time when a friend made a mistake, how did you talk to them when they came to you? This usually includes care, warmth, support, love, acceptance, and tenderness. Instead of beating ourselves up when we make a mistake, we can offer ourselves the same warmth and acceptance we would freely show a friend. This is where the question, “How would you support a friend going through the same thing right now?” can be really helpful. This doesn’t mean we are belittling the mistake we have made or the challenge we are going through. Part of self-kindness also includes saying, “Oof, I messed up. That really doesn’t feel good. How can I support myself through this so I do better next time?” This is much more productive than self-criticism.
It also includes common humanity, which is recognizing that humans are imperfect, that all people experience failure, make mistakes, and go through hard times. When we remember that imperfection is part of life, we feel less isolated when we are going through it. It’s part of what makes us human. We’re not alone in what we’re experiencing.
Mindfulness in the context of self-compassion involves being aware of painful experiences without judging them. We’re not avoiding the pain, but we’re also not exaggerating it. It can be as simple as saying, “This is really hard. I’m suffering right now.” “I’m feeling shame.” “I’m feeling disappointed.” When we label our thoughts and feelings, it decreases activity in the amygdala (the brain’s threat defense system) and increases activation in the prefrontal cortex, which supports rational, logical thinking. In other words, labeling a thought makes it less emotionally overwhelming and makes it easier for us to get back to thinking clearly.