Kate’s Five Things #22
I'm the household idiot and I'm OK with that.
Catching Up
Both of my kids left for school Tuesday morning thinking I was the biggest halfwit on the planet. We were missing boots, one glove, and a beloved rubber duck won from a vending machine eighteen months ago. I didn’t have any solutions or answers or extra pairs of gloves, only the line “We’re going to have to carry on.” And so, on this particular day, there were no “I love you, toos” from my kids as they exited the car, only scowls. How fast we fall from hero to minced meat. I thought about their looks of disdain all morning and then reminded myself there comes a time when the scowls and disappointment are a sign of “good” parenting.
My kids are now six and seven. The baby and toddler years were fast and furious with two kids sixteen months apart; finally, I am reaping some of the benefits people always waxed on about when I felt like I was drowning in poop and vomit. They always tell you it gets better but only some people talk about how they got to “better” or what “better” means beyond higher quality sleep. I thought we’d just arrive at “better” but I’ve found out my behavior has a lot to do with where we’d arrive once we got we get “there”. A lot relies on knowing when it is time to shift from parenting kids who actually need everything to parenting kids who need to find self-efficacy, especially in social and education settings—which, down the road, will directly equate to confidence.
I don’t believe one parenting style is better or “above” another. Excluding emotional and physical abuse such as gaslighting or spanking, I think successful parenting is when the approach and the nature of the kid and the adult align. In my family’s case, I’m testing the waters of a “lazy parenting” approach in hopes it *might* be the most effective path to nurturing confidence in my kids without continually instilling the cycle of perfectionism and control. For that, I’m willing to be labeled the household idiot (for a while).
Last Week’s House Call
In last week’s newsletter, “5 Things I Learned From Nancy Meyers Films That Make a Home Feel Cozy,” I wrote about the difference between wanting to live in a Nancy Meyers film vs. pulling inspiration from her approach to set design.
Here is an excerpt:
“Each of the homes featured in Nancy Meyers films is the equivalent of ‘perfect’ for a reason. Just as romantic comedies rarely reflect the nuances of real-life meet-cutes, a home in a Nancy Meyers film is meant to display layers of character a blockbuster-sized audience could aspire to. And while there’s nothing about them that is necessarily attainable, that doesn’t mean we can’t admire them.
Just as we cannot set the bar for our partners to match Jude Law’s character in The Holiday (we all know what IRL Jude did to Sienna), we cannot compare our homes to a Nancy Meyers set.”
And if you read last week’s unintentional cliffhanger in your inbox (whoops), you’ll find a nice neat bow of a paragraph to wrap it all up.
And now for my shameless plug for support: If you like topics like this one, please consider upgrading to a House Call paid membership! Sometimes I share bonus content like a peek at my interior decor projects. It’s how I’m able to do more of this (writing and creating) and less sponsored content. Thank you to everyone who has become a paid supporter of my work.
How I'm feeling this week…
Holding out hope for peace. Like you, I am rocked by rage, disgust, and hopelessness at witnessing the horrors of this war in Gaza. I have also been horrified by the role shame and virtue signaling have played in strengthening the divide that plagues our current political climate. The majority of us agree a ceasefire must happen as soon as possible. Where I see us fall apart is in grappling with the truth that the solutions are complex and will take time—time innocent humans caught in the crosshairs do not have. We struggle with the fact that the future is uncertain. But in the pain of these truths, we forget that we do have complete control over how we treat each other in the face of fear, rage, disgust, and hopelessness. We also must remember that the same governments and terrorist organizations we hold accountable greatly benefit from division, destabilization, and chaos. Please let us not forget we are stronger together.
What's in my cart…
I’ve been busy making lists and shopping for others. You can check out what’s on my wish list if you are curious.
Sidenote: If you are wondering if the Wit & Delight Gift Guide was a thing this year, you are in luck.
What I'm consuming…
Love Has Won: The Cult of Mother God. Absolutely unhinged.
What resonated with me…
This chapter from The Pivot Year by Brianna Wiest:
“One day you will realize that happiness is not what your house looks like, but how you love the people within its walls. Happiness is not finding success by a certain time, but finding something you love so much time itself seems to disappear. Happiness is not thinking you have earned the world’s approval, but waking up each day and feeling so at peace within your own skin, quietly anticipating the day ahead, unconcerned with how you are perceived. Happiness is not having the best of everything, but the ability to make the best of anything. Happiness is knowing you are doing what you can with what you were given. Happiness is not something that comes to you when every problem is solved and all things are perfectly in place, but in the shining silver linings that remind us the light of day is always there, if you slow down enough to notice.”
A question I've been asking myself lately…
Does this require an immediate response? I have realized how often a reactive response or impulsive fix to discourse reflects my own self-sabotage and people-pleasing. Pausing is uncomfortable. Saying “I don’t know” or “I need more time” makes me feel vulnerable. But at least I’m being honest with myself and others.
Space of the Week
The bold yet serene home of
was a new-to-me follow on Instagram this week. What struck me most was how much visual interest they packed into each room. And I want to buy one of their ottomans!
I also recommend the book “how to raise an adult.” Sooo good and I think you’ll resonate with it.
Kate, you are definitely onto something with your “lazy parenting” experiment! Have you heard of “independence therapy?”
https://letgrow.org/program/independence-therapy/
I learned about it in this article which, as a fellow mother with ADHD and three school age children, intuitively made so much sense to me, and came as a complete relief.
https://www.afterbabel.com/p/good-news-for-anxious-kids-and-parents?publication_id=1221094&post_id=138490194&isFreemail=true&r=4zlbv