Kate’s Five Things #28

What Pain Brought Me

Apr 04, 2024

Catching Up

Two weeks ago my back seized up while playing tennis and a minor injury became pretty significant. I haven't had experience with prolonged pain with limited mobility (the kind where it hurts to sleep) and it puts everything into perspective. On top of that, the stomach flu visited our home, I cracked the windshield of my car, we’ve had issues with subscribers’ payments thanks to Substack and Stripe, and I faced some unexpected changes to longstanding work relationships. Ultimately, I felt like I couldn’t get my head around life… AGAIN.

This has been a recurring theme since nearly the start of this newsletter last February and frankly, I’m quite sick of it. I’m sick of waiting for things to go “right” again before moving on.

So I got myself back into therapy and started working with a coach. I pronounced to both of them I was willing to let go of everything to find some relief from whatever was making me feel lost, stuck, and utterly discontented with my blessed and privileged life.

This month of physical and emotional pain brought me to a place where the only option I could see was one of surrender—to the pain in my body, to my kids being sick day after day, to the rapidly changing landscape of my career, to whatever could quiet my mind.

A couple of days later, I was driving down I-94 in the middle of the day and found myself experiencing the drive from the outside in. It felt like I was outside my body, watching myself navigate the car.

I could hear an inner dialogue—my rumination about whatever was bothering me that day—but I was watching and listening instead of experiencing it firsthand. It was so strange. I had experienced some similar sensations before— during childbirth, when my mom had stroke, when I lost connection with my body during a particularly intense soundbath.

But none of them hit like this. Suddenly all my inner issues didn’t seem so impossible to untangle. In fact they didn’t seem like they mattered much at all.

My therapist told me this is called “awareness” and it most likely occurred as a result of “thawing out” from a prolonged period of life where I was frozen in hypervigilance, exhausted from trying to bend the world to my will. I’ve found some separation from what is causing this inner turmoil and “myself.” I am positive I could not have arrived here without my inner dialogue becoming so unbearable that I subconsciously chose to forfeit whatever illusion of control it gave me.

So that’s what I’ve been quietly facing lately. Falling forward into a kind of surrender that is leading me down rabbit holes where I never thought I’d find myself.

For the foreseeable future, I will create and write for House Call and Wit & Delight under the condition that my hopes (and worries) for the future will be set aside to focus on being here in the now, showing up in life without expecting each step to lead me somewhere else.

The hope is to learn how to live life day by day without fighting it so much.

Last Week’s House Call

And now to go in a completely different direction! In last week’s newsletter, “What Kind of Home Decorator Are You?” I wrote about four types of home decorators and what we can learn from each one.

Here’s a snippet:

“It’s no secret that I’ve been in a design rut as of late, not motivated to do or change much in my house for the past two years. Behind this rut is the desire for my home to be less of a consistent project. I’ve simply wanted to enjoy it more.
Perhaps that realization is the key to a problem I’ve wanted to unlock: how to sustainably enjoy the process of creating a home that grows and evolves with me.
So when I ask myself, What would I change about my home? Why do I feel stuck? What seemingly unmovable roadblocks are movable?, the answers sound very different than when I ask, Why do I hate this room? Beyond the former questions are actionable steps—ideas worth exploring.”

If you like topics like this one, please consider upgrading to a House Call paid membership! It’s how I’m able to do more of this (writing and creating) and less sponsored content. Thank you to everyone who has become a paid supporter of my work.

How I'm feeling this week…

Relief. My back is feeling better and I’m left thinking about how to move forward with my daily life with more awareness. I don’t think I’ll share more about this for some time. For now, whatever expectations I have about where this phase of my journey leads me have been set aside for the time being.

What's in my cart…

I tried these chocolate mushroom bars over the weekend and loved them. I am also obsessed with this dress—I find it to be flattering and not too tight across my stomach and hips, which is often the case with this fit. I got a size small. FRAME has a great button-down that makes you look super put together when you feel like garbage. I also tried MERIT’s matte lipstick and the color and texture are to die for. My favorite shades are: Court (a warm brick), Sunday (a lovely pink shade), and Classic (a neutral).

What I'm consuming…

I started the Throne of Glass series after a long streak of reading a lot of heavy nonfiction. I skipped the first book at the recommendation of a fellow fantasy lover and have been committed to not quitting until I get through the second book. I’m ready to get to the good part.

What resonated with me…

Everything is both. This small moment of dialogue from the show Ramy encapsulates the clarity I’ve found in recent weeks.

A question I've been asking myself lately…

What are you actually feeling and have you given yourself space to feel it? Instead of letting my mind work out what's happening in my life, I’ve started to tune into what my body is saying. This question helps me look there first before jumping to mental gymnastics. I have emotions I allow myself to feel, and emotions that are not even registering consciously. I’ve found somatic meditation helps me with the ones that confuse me.