Kate’s Five Things #39

F Up and Find Out

Catching Up

I am in the kitchen wiping away scattered moon-shaped crusts and sticky clumps of jam and butter. Nimble bodies parkour into the family room, descending into giggles and singsong chatter. As couch cushions are tossed and the toy cabinet turns inside out, I let out a ragged sigh of relief. 

It’s 3 p.m. on a Monday, and our daily unfurling has begun. This tornado of childhood joy has become a kind of homecoming ritual, a return to silliness after getting down to business all day. There is a cacophony of whining and yelling now clanging between my ears and I grip the edge of the countertop. I am a good mom, I remind myself. I’m a good mom who falls short. I have fucked up a lot lately. But this noise confirms the center still holds. The good remains impervious to my faults.

Do you remember the last time you tipped over your edge? The edge of how much you’d take, how much you’d give, and how much you’d handle? That moment when you knew there was no going back and no way out. You reached for the white flag, not because you wanted to but because you were out of other options. Live long enough and you find out that in our giving up, we embark anew. 

As I stood there methodically wiping the counters, I noticed something. That was all I was doing. I was wiping, and I was listening. 

A New Way of Being

I have long preferred to do many domestic tasks at once, planning dinner and simultaneously yelling into the living room, juggling an Instacart order, tapping out an email, making said dinner, and rehearsing the next three hours in dread. Standard order, until balls started dropping. A lot of balls. 

I had lamented to friends last week about how many fuck ups I managed to produce in such a short period of time. Something about the balls that were dropped shook me, and I suddenly saw how ridiculous it was to expect I could keep all of them in the air without faltering.

So, as I watched myself wiping down the counters in methodical, sweeping, careful circles, I realized I wasn’t wiping away signs of life; I was polishing the surface. 

There it was, my new way, gleaming back at me in the shining stone. This new way of being at home was whole and in tact, ready for me to step into it like Dorthy and her red slippers. 

There’s no place like home.

There’s nothing like being. 

There’s no place like being at home.

Last Week’s House Call

I wrote about why we need awe, wonder, and joy when the world feels dark in last week’s essay, “Make Space for Delight.” 

Here’s a snippet:

“Awe is an emotion that’s universal and accessible to everyone. Even so, it’s important to remember that experiences of awe will look different from person to person. In an interview about Awe, Keltner states this: ‘Here’s what I like about awe. It points toward what is meaningful to you—the significant moral themes that matter to you. Do you care about social justice? Beauty? Pleasure? Do you care about harm? Community? Awe makes you more aware of the big narrative or ideology, the political ideal, that you want to be a part of.”

How I'm feeling this week…

Like an open faucet. I’m doing quite a bit of creative work and a lot of it is pretty is bad, but some of it is charged with an energy that excites and scares me. I’ve decided to keep it a secret for now, which makes it feel all the more special. 

What's in my cart…

These very cute sandals and Stolen Focus by Johann Hari,  and this Alex Mill sweater. These pants by Ruti elevated my mom uniform tenfold (used Kate15 for 15% off your Ruti order). I tried out Left on Friday’s workout gear! Love the fit, the colors, and the styles. Their apparel offers the same supportive and flattering cuts you get from their swimwear.

What I'm consuming…

I am savoring every word of Rachel Schwartzmann’s Slowing. I also will be making confit eggs on toast.

What resonated with me…

This thread by Kate Bower on the topic of wanting to change. Claggie’s take on reframing stress as fundamental to a meaningful life.

A question I've been asking myself lately…

What is one small thing you can do today to move your future vision forward? 

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Space of the Week

“Il Palazzetto, a 17th century Palladian-style villa in Monselice, Italy was originally designed by Colin Glennie and redesigned by Carlo Scarpa in 1978. Its final renovation was by Scarpas son, Tobias, in 2006.” - via Merit

More here.

Photos by @antoniomonfreda & @danilo.scarpati

xx,

Kate