Personal Style Isn’t What You Think It Is

The fine line between self-expression and self-improvement.

My hunch is that anyone searching for themselves is looking for the confidence they effortlessly displayed in childhood. What happens to us, specifically girls, around twelve or thirteen can rob us of this inner knowing—that je ne sais quoi that comes with confident, raw creativity. Then, we’re tricked into thinking we must work to become rather than relax into who we already are.

Photo on the left by Stephanie Sunberg for Maria Stanley; the right is me at eight-years-old

On the first day of 8th grade, I arrived with a new haircut and a body only puberty could bestow. Summer had ushered in a glow-up and a first kiss. A growing sense of autonomy lured me in, and I began to peek outside the boxes my parents had constructed for me. I had suddenly become painfully aware of being noticed. I felt good and bad all at once.

Age thirteen is being arrogantly confident and cripplingly insecure. One moment, you’re feeling invincible in a lime-green mock turtleneck fresh off the rack from 5-7-9, and the next, you’re questioning your entire persona.

Spend just a little time in the comments section of any viral video and you’ll feel the same pressures of any middle school hallway. It seems many of us haven’t grown up past the 8th grade. Because growing up doesn’t always mean maturing, public shaming goes hand in hand with standing out in public forums. No wonder most of us play it safe with our public displays of self. It is no wonder we don’t feel comfortable having people over.

Looking back at pictures from high school and college, I see what the eighteen-year-old me could not. I already knew what I liked. I just didn’t think it was enough. I was designing my bedroom in bold color (and taking pictures of it), pulling recipes from Martha Stewart Living, and taking style notes from films from the 60s. These are my favorite things to do to this day. And yet, I remember feeling so far away from the person I wanted to be. It was supposed to be hard work to become someone and it was time to get busy becoming. And so I became my own improvement project.