Signs You’re Not as Lost as You Feel

Five non-measurable ways to know you're doing alright.

The times I wanted to give up most occurred just before the biggest breakthroughs.
These were the moments I feared my future the most.
Don’t look back. Keep going.

I maintained a journaling routine in the early stages of downsizing my business. Up with the sun, notebook in hand, I faked optimism in my new direction, hoping it could distract from the seed of dread blooming in my stomach.

Me in early July 2023

A self-induced dumpster fire of repressed shit began to bubble to the surface just as the financial stress came crashing down. I’d been a burn-it-down-to-rebuild kind of person most of my life. This time, I wondered if I had gone too far.

Naturally, I panicked. Each time I was unable to answer “What’s next for you?” was assigned as evidence I had become what I’d feared: a complete and total fuckup. But the show must go on, and mortgages are meant to be paid, so I masked as happy, wrote here, and tears fell daily.

Me writing essays about home decor while having an identity crisis

One day, on one of my cry-walks, let go echoed in my head. My intuition was calling; I didn’t dare to answer. It seemed impossible—reckless! 

Letting go meant dissolving into a shapeless nothing. My whole life splooging into a puddle like an unset Jell-O mold.

This week, I sat down to read these journals and old essays. What struck me was how I spent months in negotiation with my terror, unable to accept fear as the price to pay for pursuing change. I couldn’t bring myself to let it go. Someone had to pay, and that someone was me.

Sometimes, forgiveness is all it takes to remake a life beyond tolerable and into something to delight in.

Sometimes, what’s left is to splooge, dissolve, and reset. 

Below are some nuggets of wisdom that would have been helpful to hear when I was in that formless, messy state. 

Here are five signs you are growing, even when you feel lost. Relax into the chaos, baby; better days await.

5 Subtle Signs of Personal Growth

1. You are terrified.