Why We All Need to Brave Being a Beginner

When losing is winning.

When you’re stuck in the throes of being a beginner, the only way forward is to give in to the process of progressing—win, lose, or draw.

In the summer of 2022, a neighbor and I enrolled our kids (and ourselves) in tennis lessons. After the first session, there was no arguing the adults were decidedly worse. Ball after ball sailed across the fence line as it became clear to me that I sucked at tennis. 

But something kept me coming back, regardless of the embarrassing performances. I had been “bad” at sports my whole life, but being a total beginner was freeing because I couldn’t get any worse. Playing in the face of my embarrassment ignited a feeling I had left behind in adolescence. Tennis was calling me back for reasons I didn’t really understand. 

My parents love to tell the story of when I won the kindergarten 500 race at age five. My class was divided into relay groups and given Big Wheels with which to race around the parking lot. The story goes like this: My group was behind by eight kids, and I passed them all with the speed and determination of Dale Earnhardt Jr. Apparently, I was not there to make friends. The way they beamed when they told me that story had a huge impact on how I would come to identify myself for decades to come. 

The Cost of Competitive Instinct

Competition was front and center for most of my youth. Climbing the podium and wearing a sash embroidered “National Champion” remains the high point of my teen years. But what I loved most about these years of competitive Irish dancing was the zen of movement—that state of flow where everything fell away, and it was just about dancing. I grew into myself around this identity the way a tree trunk grows around a boulder—always chasing that feeling of flow and working for the win.  And often, the two were at odds.