Lessons of the Heart

Some reflections at the end of a terrible year

“Most of all, I learned to accept what is instead of trying to change it. Through these minor, micro-adjustments in everyday life, I have confronted the source of my unrealistic expectations and the depths of self-disillusionment. These acts of self-respect have helped me come home to myself; they’ve helped me come home to just… being.”

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Dear Reader,

Whether you signed up for it or not, you’ve had a front-row seat to my nonlinear, confusing, and baffling year. While I’ve gained a lot through losing a lot, nothing went as planned. Everything was hard—so hard it felt like a joke at times. In hindsight, I realized this experience of disillusionment was a lesson—the one I needed to face. At every turn sat the same truth I was trying to outmaneuver: Nothing in life is inevitable and change is the only thing we can consistently count on.

When I decided to pause working full-time to think about what I wanted my next chapter to be, I thought I’d find clarity quickly. I had assumed it would hit like a lightning bolt, illuminating a clear path forward. Take a break, figure it out, move forward. That was the plan. And it unraveled as soon as I made the announcement. I was wrong about all of it.

The Lessons I Needed to Learn

Instead, I had unknowingly ushered in space to confront pain: the pain of living with an unyielding need to cope with life through accomplishment, which has sat beside me for as long as I can remember. If I wasn’t doing well, I wasn’t worth anything. If I was doing well, I was safe. These truths hit me like a freight train, over and over again for months.

The lessons this pain brought me have been ones of the heart. They have not been calls to “find my purpose” or “align with my values” as they initially seemed. Turns out, my purpose and values were already at the center of my work. I had just given work too much meaning. It held too much weight. And so I quickly realized these lessons were ones I could not work my way out of. They were not ones I could outwit or outmaneuver. The tighter my grip became on “fixing my issues,” the worse I felt.

On the darkest days, I wrestled with unrealistic expectations around every corner. I came to realize I had approached therapy and self-care just as I had my work—another outlet for perfectionism used as a concerted effort to avoid the real issue: feeling vulnerable and out of control of my life. They are truths every single one of us confronts at some point in time. These concepts are universal, and I am not unique.

Adopting a Different Playbook for Living

After throwing out the playbook for “therapy and self-care,” my way forward was to release my grip on how I coped with being human. I had to figure out how to move through life with a different set of tools, one that was cultivated by self-respect instead of self-beatings. I took bits and pieces of what I had learned in therapy and combined them with daily movement, good food, and meditation. I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I held myself accountable for my actions and was forgiving when I fell short. I started making slow, steady, sustainable changes to how I moved through the world, how I interacted with my kids, how I handled negative feedback, and how I fought with Joe. Most of all, I learned how to accept what is instead of trying to change it. Through these minor, micro-adjustments in everyday life, I have confronted the source of my unrealistic expectations and the depths of self-disillusionment. These acts of self-respect have helped me come home to myself; they’ve helped me come home to just… being.

In all honestly, the weight of these truths felt like too much at times. And then I realized it was in the act of accepting them that I found the freedom I had been looking for. Once my work is out in the world, it’s no longer my job to control how it is received. I can let whatever reaction be what it is.

A New Appreciation for Connection

This realization has also opened up the opportunity for me to actually appreciate the connections I have with the people in my life. Because if I’m being honest, an authentic connection with myself and others has made me uncomfortable most of my life. I would push up against it but ultimately retreat.

This includes my connection to you, reader. I may not have had the pleasure of speaking with you directly, but I write directly to you now, like I would a friend. There have been years where I felt so afraid to stand in front of you, so small and insignificant and unworthy of having this platform, that I began to imagine your rejection before ever putting pen to paper. I want to say this: thank you. Thank you for continuing to show up here and read my words. Thank you for reminding me to push past the limitations of my psyche. To reach beyond what scares me and into what I now know (and accept) is my purpose and passion.

At the heart of it, the past six months of reflection have been about you, accepting your acceptance, and accepting your disappointment. They have also been about extending this kind of freedom to myself. To be okay when things go beautifully and to believe in myself when I fall short. When we think we need to achieve perfection in order to receive basic human needs, we find ourselves so far away from home that no therapist, horoscope, life coach, or medication can bring us back. I’ve found the most straightforward concepts the hardest to grasp and the most profound in their ability to heal.

I look forward to what 2024 brings us. I look forward to seeing what my budding new relationship with work brings into the world. I know this: I’ll be here. Writing, creating, sharing. I am so thankful you’re here, too.

PS: In case you missed Last Week’s House Call

In last week’s newsletter, “Why Too Much Is Never Enough in Consumer Culture,” I wrote about lifting the veil on our own spending patterns and confronting the elusiveness of “enough” when caught up in chasing some sort of future state of being.

Here is an excerpt:

“Our things hold meaning. And when we combine two seemingly simple yet meaningful things through our own unique creative expression, something special happens. This micro-moment of creativity invites others to see a piece of us words alone cannot express. So many of us miss the opportunity to let this happen because we’re busy emulating someone else. The key is finding the right things that bring to light that unique expression. And those careful choices come from knowing yourself. 

So when I’ve found myself disenfranchised with consumer culture, I’ve asked how I can become more empowered in my personal spending choices; how I can spend in a way that feels authentic to me without worrying how it looks to others. Am I consuming to make my life better? And what does better mean to me?”

If you like topics like this one, please consider upgrading to a House Call paid membership. It’s how I can do more of this (writing and creating) and less sponsored content. Thank you to everyone who has become a paid supporter of my work.