Kate’s Five Things #36

Better than you thought.

Aug 08, 2024

Catching Up

I’m hot off a family trip to SF where we had the chance to squat at a friend's house and pretend we live in Presidio for four days. The weather was wild. Who knew one could experience three seasons in one day? All I kept thinking was how much use I’d get out of my fall jackets if we up and left for a life in the Bay Area.

We were out there visiting my sister and her partner, who were such gracious hosts and did touristy things with us, like taking the ferry to Sausalito and riding the cable car to Chinatown. The kids declared it our best trip yet. I look forward to many more to come with those two in tow—someday!

Last Week’s House Call

How do you have people over when you hate your house? This question rang like a gong in my DMs a few weeks ago and inspired last week’s House Call, “How to Have People Over—And Actually Enjoy It.”

Here is a snippet:

“No true friendship starts without risking rejection—without letting yourself be seen and knowing that no matter where you are that day, you’re worth the company. You’re worthy regardless of their opinion of that cabinet door that falls off the hinges when it opens (because, same).
We all feel insecure about where we might not measure up. But we lose so much when a connection is forfeited for fear of judgment.
Do not wait to be seen until you ‘finish’ that project. Don’t wait for the laundry to be folded. If being you—if being human and in your life right now—means you cut yourself off from connection, there is no budget big enough to fill the lack of self-acceptance it is masking. That sense of lack will follow you into a bigger house and a new stage of life. It will be waiting until you face it.”

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How I'm feeling this week…

Free. I don’t know how else to describe it, and I would be remiss if I didn’t mention how elusive this feeling has been. Whenever someone asked what I wanted most in life, to be “free” was the answer. It never really made sense because, on paper, I have nothing but privilege and access. The shame of this truth kept me from digging deeper. I spiraled here for years. It makes sense in hindsight. I’ve been finding a way to feel free in my existence. It was a plea to integrate compassion for the parts of myself I’d exiled. In turn, I’ve learned to have my own back. Shame has a way of keeping us stuck. To be free is to have permission to be your full self, even if it’s just in the confines of your own psyche.

I am so thankful to both my therapist and Claggie for their counsel through this process. There were times I didn’t think I’d make it to the other side. But look, we did.

What's in my cart…

The cutest seersucker dress with a flattering fit (I got a size S), the Green Tomato candle by Brooklyn Candle Studio (currently 25% off), this tennis dress, silver mesh flats, and a rescue toner spray to assist with my emerging rosacea.

What I'm consuming…

The Olympics. Sports! Simon Biles’ redemption tour! Watching all different shapes and sizes of bodies doing extraordinary things! Me, crying when they show the moms in the crowd! It’s been a good time.

What resonated with me…

Like millions of other women between the ages of 38 and 55, All Fours by Miranda July rocked me, and I can’t stop talking about it. I distinctly remember reading No One Belongs Here More Than You in college and feeling my creative lens sharpen and expand. It was the first time I truly understood how the boundaries of art—the tugging and pushing and discomfort of it—could make me feel less alone in my own experience.

All Fours had the same effect on me, like the author was whispering directly into the ear of the disorientation that had settled over me at age 37(ish). I’ve been wandering through this period of life like a sheeted ghost, cloaked with hazy vision. Each day, banging my shins into unearthed parts of my psyche, just trying to get a feel for the walls of this new room I never asked to be moved to.

The story is absurd and outrageous. In horror, I blushed and looked over my shoulder as I read it, and in the same breath exclaimed, “YES, me too.” I had always wondered if we were to die these tiny deaths—from maiden to mother to crone—alone. We’re not. There’s so much good to come.

A question I've been asking myself lately…

What feeling am I avoiding? The simplest and hardest concept for me is keeping an unpalatable emotion at arm's length. I thought I was good at this until recently when I realized I couldn’t just let some things go because I wasn’t actually accepting how I felt about them. The feelings have been hard. They’re things I haven’t liked about myself in the past. But I’m approaching them in a new way, because the old way doesn’t work anymore! This is as close to a magic bullet as I’ve found through therapy.

Ruminating? What feeling am I avoiding?

Mindlessly scrolling? What feeling am I avoiding?

Hyperfixated? What feeling am I avoiding?

Impulse shopping? What feeling am I avoiding?

Triggered and mad at a stranger on the internet? What feeling am I avoiding?

The cool thing is if I’m still pissed or overthinking or wanting to be online after I process that underlying emotion, it’s less charged. I can use—wait for it—critical thinking skills (!) to decide how to move forward. It’s like finding out you have a sophisticated control panel in the driver's seat of your life. And it starts with letting emotions exist in your body. Can you believe there are people out there who do this without so much as thinking about it!? I cannot imagine.

How do you know if you’re feeling vs intellectualizing the feeling? Here’s a helpful article.